Shocking?

As has been mentioned, in my profession I see everybody's dirty secrets (as long as they do their nasty stuff at work). After years of looking at this shit I typically find things entertaining or amusing, but rarely shocking. So sweet Sara commented on Frank and Beans asking if anything shocks me anymore. She will remember the last time I was caught off guard, it was fairly recently when a fellow was talking to his friend about looking for more videos involving Brown Docking, he expressed genuine appreciation for this art form...he was not mocking it or watching it out of morbid curiosity. He was into it. Without further ado I bring you:
Brown Docking (no it isn't a video you sick fucks)

But wait, my friends are sick and thought they would one up me and they discovered:
Space Docking

And with that my friends, I am off to enjoy a little vacation.

Frank and Beans - Part 2

So listen, I think Beans is actually gay after all. He is in serious denial though. First they got into a tiff about Beans nasty habit, but never fear - they made up! I was proud of Frank for telling Beans, "I planned on doing it (calling and describing his latest sex act), but you are very pushy with that stuff."

Aaaanywho, onto why I believe Beans' sexuality is now further in question...

Beans: So can you just do "the shirt" thing for more than 8 seconds?
Frank: I don't know
Beans: Can we meet tomorrow for "the shirt" please? I'm really anxious.
Frank: I'm busy tomorrow
Beans: Fine be that way
Frank: Okay, tomorrow works. Where?
Beans: Let's meet in the park parking lot around 9AM. Can you leave it off for like 5 minutes?
Frank: I don't think so
Beans: 3 minutes?
Frank: See you tomorrow
(Silence for the evening)
Beans: OMG your chest is hot, I can just imagine Janet (name changed) rubbing that awesome chest and those rock hard nipples while moaning during sex. Can you tell me about it?

Ummmmm....It would appear that Beans asked to meet Frank in the park so he could look at him without his shirt on. Seriously? Someone tell me I read that wrong.

Stain

Soooo, someone sent a story about a Christian singer who had a porn addiction. My favorite line was this:

"From the outside, it appeared that everything was perfect—a perfect wife, a perfect family, and a perfect career. But looking back, Clay says there was a consistent stain in his life."

Gay Bomb...Seriously

Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."

Boys will be Boys???

So every now and then we catch these two guys e-mailing each other and the conversations are quite odd. Let's call them Frank and Beans, here is how the conversation typically goes:

Frank: How's it going?
Beans: Ok. I'm thinking of having lunch at Taco Bell. I have to pay my phone bill. So if a girl asked you to cum in her ass would you?
Frank: Sure
Beans: I can't stick it in a girls pooper, even if she wanted me to.
Frank: Oh, I have no problem with that.
Beans: Describe to me how you would lick pussy.
Frank: (silence)
Beans: Describe to me what you would do to a chick. Get all graphic about it, you can do it on the phone or through e-mail.
Frank: I like licking pussy.
Beans: Get graphic, tell me about it. What would you do to a chick?

This is generally how the thread goes. Beans is always trying to get Frank to describe sexual acts and Frank really doesn't seem to enjoy the conversation at all. They both talk about their various female conquests and Beans seems to be straight. I just can't figure out why he consistently badgers Frank to talk in detail about sex acts.

I would never walk up to my friend "Jennifer" say, "Describe to me what you would do to Johnny." Of course, women are nasty with each other so "Jennifer" probably would have already offered up extreme details. Being that it would be in a group of women it would soon turn into a note taking session on various styles and methodologies, but I digress...

The thing is...Beans doesn't even present the request in the context of a learning opportunity. Why doesn't Frank just say, "What the fuck Beans! Go get your rocks off somewhere else, what is wrong with you??!!"

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

You said you wanted to know how God felt about Anal... TADA! That's right, they covered that... Oh this site is fucking priceless!

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will - "Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.

For a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night. Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage. This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for one’s life partner. Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse."

Blister in the sun...

Okay people in my observations of this phenom called "Christian Porn" I saw this and I gotta tell ya' you just can't make this shit up (this comes from a real site):

Fisting as an Act of Faith - Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

They go on to quote scripture: ”You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalms 145:16)

Camel Humping

BRISBANE, Australia: An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel...after the animal apparently tried to have sex, police said Sunday. The 10-month-old male camel — weighing about (330 pounds) — knocked the woman to the ground, lay on top of her, then exhibited what police suspect was mating behavior, said Gregory. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Gregory said, adding the camel almost suffocated the family's pet goat by straddling it on several occasions.

I feel bad for the lady, but I think I would have kept my distance when I saw that camel trying to fuck a goat.

Please don't confuse this with Camel Humping/Camel Humper - One who has sex with a pregnant woman in a her third trimester OR Front Butt - a.k.a. Camel Toe.

Resending...

Odds are a message with all this isn't going to make it into a company. Hey and guess what...sending it 10 more times isn't going to change that fact. Yeah I know it isn't fair, everyone should be able to have sex via company e-mail.

The Content Manager quarantined this message because List: Bad Words
Found the expression "anal" 2 times, at 1 points each, for an expression score of 2 points.
Found the expression "cum" 2 times, at 2 points each, for an expression score of 4 points.
Found the expression "clit" 2 times, at 4 points each, for an expression score of 8 points.
Found the expression "slut" 2 times, at 2 points each, for an expression score of 4 points.
Found the expression "suck" 2 times, at 1 points each, for an expression score of 2 points.
Found the expression "vibrator" 2 times, at 4 points each, for an expression score of 8 points.
Found the expression "cock" 2 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 6 points.
Found the expression "fvck*" 2 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 10 points.
Found the expression "panties" 2 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 6 points.
Found the expression "tits" 2 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 6 points.
Found the expression "asshole" 1 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 3 points.
Found the expression "fuck" 9 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 45 points.
Found the expression "whore" 1 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 5 points.
Found the expression "slutty" 6 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 30 points.

Christian Porn

So I catch a lot of freaks while trying protect people from the offensive content the Internet has to offer and I saw a fellow who had apparently subscribed to a Christian Porn site. I won't mention the site name since I am thinking of starting a site to become their competition, Ha ha. (You really should stop reading if you are religious.)

C'mon, are they fucking serious? "Christian Porn" There is a market for everything out there. So I was trying to talk a good friend of mine into going into business with me on this and here's how I envision the site...

1. All girls (and guys) on the site MUST be devout (we will guarantee this for our customers)
2. To prove this devoutness the chicks will have to wear crosses during all scenes, because if they are wearing crosses while they are having sex with a donkey then all is forgiven right? God knows we all make mistakes.
3. To make the sinners feel better a portion of the proceeds will be domainted to help spread the word of God or something
4. This is the kicker - After every fuck session they watch or when they exit we will have a priest absolve them

Oh c'mon, this is genius right? Any helpful suggestions or ideas?

Dear Corporate E-mail Users

Dear Corporate E-mail Users...

I'm on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week to ensure that your BUSINESS mail makes it through to you. I do my best to protect you from spam and porn but there are 20,000 spammers out there and only one of me. I drop 95% of everything that tries to make it to you and yet you still bitch and moan if a piece of spam or two makes it through. Yes I know you're an e-mail expert and I appreciate such helpful suggestions from the user community but I CAN'T block the word "johnson" just because you aren't interested in enlarging yours, it happens to be a last name.
And I am so fucking tired of these stupid bitches that get a little piece of porn spam and start fanning themselves as though they are some kind of southern lady. Then I have to apologize that my e-mail system allowed this shit through to lil' miss innocent. Listen Pollyana, this wasn't midget clown porn, barnyard porn, bukaki or dirty sanchez lessons. Don't preach to me about how you expect only business mail to make it through my system when I can see what you have been sending for the last 30 days. (BTW, Is it really necessary to use your sig line when you use company e-mail to set up your lunch time quickie?)

Oh and one last thing, I don't give a fuck if little johnny graduated at the top of his class and I doubt the 5,000 other people you sent your unzipped 15MB graduation pictures to care either. I DO know that the rest of the company will care when you bog down the whole system and cause everyones e-mail to deliver 30 seconds later than it normally would. I will be fielding calls about that for a week, thanks.