Does this apply to me?

Political Conversation 1

2008-10-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

Below is a real conversation I had with another person about politics. I did not know the answers to the questions, my motive for asking was originally to learn the answer. Little did I know it would be so entertaining.

Person: Well I like Palin, she has more experience than Obama.

Me: How many years of experience does she have?

Person: I don't know, but more than Obama.

Me: How many years does Obama have?

Person: Less than Palin.

Me:

No, this wasn't said in jest. This person was quite irritated with me when she had to give me the answer 'less than Palin.'

But....

2007-11-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

The herpes guy found another willing participant...Isn't craigslist great?

"Ummmmm, I'm not really into taking it in the ass. But since you have such a big cock, I am willing to make an exception... on one condition. You must take some pictures of me sucking your cock before and after you cum. if you want to take a "POSED" pic of your cock entering my ass, that is cool.

Kisses,
Clarisa"

Braces

2007-10-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

So, I had jaw surgery and what not and today I had my braces removed. (yay) Maybe it is because I am destined for nastiness or maybe it was the way I searched, but I found fetish sites on braces.

That's right, there are fetish sites on braces... www.beautyandbraces.com and www.retainerbabe.com

I guess I missed my calling. Oh well, I still have the retainer!

Olga - the hardest working single woman out there

2007-10-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

Olga is pretty desperate I think. She e-mails thousands of messages per day and she has tons of different yahoo accounts. She is dedicated to her search and for that I applaud her. I have seen a few ass-clowns reply to her, but I supposed they were not her type afterall since her search continues...

"Greetings!!! I write to you because I was interested with your structure on it Site. My structure Milashka. You will be strongly surprised probably with those that I write to you not from your country, and for many kilometers from you. I live in Russia, but I hope that it will strongly not excite you at dialogue with me as I the same girl as well as millions which live at you. On this site I try to find second half. Unfortunately in Russia I cannot find such the man which liked and respected me. My name is Olga, me of 29 years. If I you have interested that I ask write on my electronic address: **REMOVED**@lycos.co.uk I with the big impatience wait from you for the message. Yours faithfully Olga."

I really hope she finds the man she is looking for soon.

The Next Guy...

2007-10-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

So, here's the next guy. He was only turned in because he was grossing out the guy that worked for me...

This guy was a big fan of Craigslist as well and used it for lunch time quickies. He sent out pictures of himself (ahem... His personal private self) and here was one conversation of his:

Employee: Meet me at (Location removed) theater, they have private rooms upstairs. I will be in room 102. You will come in, turn your back to the room, drop your purse and press your body up against the wall. You will be wearing a shirt and short skirt, no bra and lace panties. You will press your body up against the wall next to the door and I will take you from behind.
Oh, make sure you bring a towel, since it isn't all that clean.

Prospective slut: Ooh, you have me all turned on. But I don't have lace panties, so why don't I just wear no panties.

Employee: No, you will wear lace panties. I like lace panties.

Prospective slut: I don't have lace panties baby, but i will look for some. I don't think I can meet you today though. I'm kind of broken out.

Employee: I don't care if you don't look your best and find those lace panties.

Prospective slut: What I meant was that I have herpes, but don't worry it isn't catching if I am not broken out, I just have to wait for a week or so. I hope that doesn't freak you out.

Employee: No problem, I can just wear a rubber. Meet me.

Prospective slut: Really? Today? Okay, I will see you in an hour I guess.

Employee: Sweet, hey if you have one send me a pic. I will see you there.

Prospective slut: Here you go handsome. I can't wait!

(Attached was a pic of a woman/man, an obvious transvestite. Large adams apple, etc. The message was quarantined and release to him approximately 20 minutes prior to his appointment. We don't know if the pic made it there prior to his meeting or not.)

Nothing New - First Guy to get Canned

2007-10-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

So I have nothing new, but thought I would share an event that one of the guys on my team caught once... I am not making this up, I swear....

Email coming into company employee:
I saw your ad on Craigslist, what are your rates? How much for a 'happy ending'?

Employee to potential customer:
$75 for standard massage. $100 for massage with me in my underwear. $125 for a massage with me blowing you.

Signed with Employee's name
Company Name
Title
Desk Number

(Classy huh? No liability there...)

Reply to the price list:
How bout $100 option. Motel 6, 6pm tonight.

Multiple customers and repeat customers were caught by our filter and the employee constantly included his company sig line to include logo. Eventually we had to turn this guy in. Oh and who the fuck goes for the $100 option?????

Not My Job

2007-10-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

The people that ask the question, 'Does this apply to me?' strike me as folks that want to be involved. It seems that they would enjoy special circumstances and things that only apply to them. Then again, perhaps they are only asking the question because they want to ensure that they are off the hook for that particular task/moment.

There is another group of people that I find far more annoying...the 'Not my job' people. In the amount of time it takes people to push back, they could have fixed the problem.

'You're right asswipe, you weren't the one that fucked it up. But you are part of the group that fucked it up so I am betting that you have the ability to fix it.'

And does it really make these people sleep better at night knowing that they avoided helping someone because they were afraid of a little ownership?

I have to retire...

2007-09-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

Seeing this nasty stuff has ruined porn for me. I find now when I watch porn I am just waiting for something really disgusting to happen. I'm not kidding. It is very disturbing that I can't relax and enjoy it anymore. I think I will stick to the lizard people and Frank & Beans adventures.

Hmm, I wonder how long it takes to recover from this type of thing?

Lizards and Football

2007-09-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

So I must admit, football season began and I have been distracted. Sorry.

Here is some interesting stuff for ya...Lizard People!!! (from a message we caught)

"I worked out that people who read the book of Revelation have not been taking the words literally. We have heard terms like "mark of the beast" and "the dragon gives his power to the beast," and "whoever does not worship the beast." Well the truth has been shown in front of our eyes all the time. The anti-Christ is a BEAST. He is a creature. I believe he may be one of these reptilians that shape shift and look human.

We all know that Jesus did not call people names like we do to insult another person (you know what I mean. like someone is saying "yo mama..." Those kind of insults). But Jesus said something that had me wondering for a long time why he called some of those who were attacking him "serpents" and "vipers." Is he using this as a comparison to their behaviour or is he talking about their bloodline?

Do not get me wrong. I am NOT claiming that Jews are reptilians.

Matthew 23:33 Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can you escape the damnation of hell?

Again I say, is Jesus calling them serpents and vipers because of their behaviour or because amongst the Jewish leaders certain ones had fallen angel/reptilian DNA somewhere in their bloodline?

In Genesis it clearly says that the sons of God (aliens) had children with earth women. That is why the flood came. God had to wipe out the human/alien hybrids that filled the earth who had become extremely wicked. The bible said the earth was filled with violence.

Genesis 6:1313 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

Also Genesis 6:4 says that the sons of God/aliens reappeared after the flood. They then must have started having sex with women again that created the Anakim giant people.

Deuteronomy 1:2828 Whither shall we go up? our brethren have discouraged our heart, saying, The people is greater and taller than we; the cities are great and walled up to heaven; and moreover we have seen the sons of the Anakims there."

The person sending this keeps a blog about this stuff and references David Icke - British author exposes the reptilian bloodline that rules the world. Of course this is all based on the Rothschild family and the illuminati, I think it has something to do with the freemasons etc.

These people aren't alone in their thoughts on this topic...
You Tube has a number of videos that supposedly confirm their existence, for example:
George Bush : Confirmed Reptilian

Again people, I don't make this shit up.

Here we go...Hairy Midgets?

2007-09-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well Frank and Beans have gone missing, I think Frank might be done with Beans since they had that uncomfortable moment in the car at the park. Instead I thought I would share with you some of the stuff I've seen in the past. Let's start with Clown Porn... (If you suffer from Coulrophobia you can visit this site... http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/fear-of-clowns.html)

Strange enough, but then someone took it to a whole new level with Midget Clown Porn. Some of you may recognize this phrase from my good friends old page before "Beer is not Food" was born. Years ago someone in my previous organization was subscribed to a clown porn site and a midget porn site, then began sending items related to midget clown porn. Perhaps his buddies signed him up as a joke, but back in those days 'unsubscribe' really did work.

Still not convinced people are into this type of thing?? Let's delve a bit further into this fellows interests.

We were not triggering on clown porn or anything such as that, we actually came upon this fellow because we had been notified by the internet proxy gateway that he had spent the majority of his day on hairychicks.com. Go ahead and follow the link, you know you want to. Unfortunately hairychicks.com now redirects to hairygirls.com and appears to be a link page...back when our fellow was traversing the site it was much more exciting (and free).

This left me to wonder what was next??? Perhaps hairy midgets in big shoes going at it?

If you are horrified by this and would like to join the fight against clown related pornography please visit www.StopClownPornNow.org. You can view banned clown porn links, buy a t-shirt and even find a yellow ribbon to post on your site to support the effort.

Getting Back in the Swing

2007-09-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I am back from 'vacation' and I'll be getting back into the swing of things. Why is it that vacation requires vacation?

Plus, do you have any idea what hard work it is coming up with the nasty shit I find to post??!

Shocking?

2007-08-31T21:40:00.000-07:00

As has been mentioned, in my profession I see everybody's dirty secrets (as long as they do their nasty stuff at work). After years of looking at this shit I typically find things entertaining or amusing, but rarely shocking. So sweet Sara commented on Frank and Beans asking if anything shocks me anymore. She will remember the last time I was caught off guard, it was fairly recently when a fellow was talking to his friend about looking for more videos involving Brown Docking, he expressed genuine appreciation for this art form...he was not mocking it or watching it out of morbid curiosity. He was into it. Without further ado I bring you:
Brown Docking (no it isn't a video you sick fucks)

But wait, my friends are sick and thought they would one up me and they discovered:
Space Docking

And with that my friends, I am off to enjoy a little vacation.

Frank and Beans - Part 2

2007-08-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

So listen, I think Beans is actually gay after all. He is in serious denial though. First they got into a tiff about Beans nasty habit, but never fear - they made up! I was proud of Frank for telling Beans, "I planned on doing it (calling and describing his latest sex act), but you are very pushy with that stuff."

Aaaanywho, onto why I believe Beans' sexuality is now further in question...

Beans: So can you just do "the shirt" thing for more than 8 seconds?
Frank: I don't know
Beans: Can we meet tomorrow for "the shirt" please? I'm really anxious.
Frank: I'm busy tomorrow
Beans: Fine be that way
Frank: Okay, tomorrow works. Where?
Beans: Let's meet in the park parking lot around 9AM. Can you leave it off for like 5 minutes?
Frank: I don't think so
Beans: 3 minutes?
Frank: See you tomorrow
(Silence for the evening)
Beans: OMG your chest is hot, I can just imagine Janet (name changed) rubbing that awesome chest and those rock hard nipples while moaning during sex. Can you tell me about it?

Ummmmm....It would appear that Beans asked to meet Frank in the park so he could look at him without his shirt on. Seriously? Someone tell me I read that wrong.

Stain

2007-08-29T19:43:00.001-07:00

Soooo, someone sent a story about a Christian singer who had a porn addiction. My favorite line was this:

"From the outside, it appeared that everything was perfect—a perfect wife, a perfect family, and a perfect career. But looking back, Clay says there was a consistent stain in his life."

Gay Bomb...Seriously

2007-08-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."

Boys will be Boys???

2007-08-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

So every now and then we catch these two guys e-mailing each other and the conversations are quite odd. Let's call them Frank and Beans, here is how the conversation typically goes:

Frank: How's it going?
Beans: Ok. I'm thinking of having lunch at Taco Bell. I have to pay my phone bill. So if a girl asked you to cum in her ass would you?
Frank: Sure
Beans: I can't stick it in a girls pooper, even if she wanted me to.
Frank: Oh, I have no problem with that.
Beans: Describe to me how you would lick pussy.
Frank: (silence)
Beans: Describe to me what you would do to a chick. Get all graphic about it, you can do it on the phone or through e-mail.
Frank: I like licking pussy.
Beans: Get graphic, tell me about it. What would you do to a chick?

This is generally how the thread goes. Beans is always trying to get Frank to describe sexual acts and Frank really doesn't seem to enjoy the conversation at all. They both talk about their various female conquests and Beans seems to be straight. I just can't figure out why he consistently badgers Frank to talk in detail about sex acts.

I would never walk up to my friend "Jennifer" say, "Describe to me what you would do to Johnny." Of course, women are nasty with each other so "Jennifer" probably would have already offered up extreme details. Being that it would be in a group of women it would soon turn into a note taking session on various styles and methodologies, but I digress...

The thing is...Beans doesn't even present the request in the context of a learning opportunity. Why doesn't Frank just say, "What the fuck Beans! Go get your rocks off somewhere else, what is wrong with you??!!"

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

2007-08-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

You said you wanted to know how God felt about Anal... TADA! That's right, they covered that... Oh this site is fucking priceless!

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will - "Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.

For a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night. Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage. This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for one’s life partner. Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse."

Blister in the sun...

2007-08-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

Okay people in my observations of this phenom called "Christian Porn" I saw this and I gotta tell ya' you just can't make this shit up (this comes from a real site):

Fisting as an Act of Faith - Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

They go on to quote scripture: ”You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalms 145:16)

Camel Humping

2007-08-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

BRISBANE, Australia: An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel...after the animal apparently tried to have sex, police said Sunday. The 10-month-old male camel — weighing about (330 pounds) — knocked the woman to the ground, lay on top of her, then exhibited what police suspect was mating behavior, said Gregory. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Gregory said, adding the camel almost suffocated the family's pet goat by straddling it on several occasions.

I feel bad for the lady, but I think I would have kept my distance when I saw that camel trying to fuck a goat.

Please don't confuse this with Camel Humping/Camel Humper - One who has sex with a pregnant woman in a her third trimester OR Front Butt - a.k.a. Camel Toe.

Resending...

2007-08-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

Odds are a message with all this isn't going to make it into a company. Hey and guess what...sending it 10 more times isn't going to change that fact. Yeah I know it isn't fair, everyone should be able to have sex via company e-mail.

The Content Manager quarantined this message because List: Bad Words
Found the expression "anal" 2 times, at 1 points each, for an expression score of 2 points.
Found the expression "cum" 2 times, at 2 points each, for an expression score of 4 points.
Found the expression "clit" 2 times, at 4 points each, for an expression score of 8 points.
Found the expression "slut" 2 times, at 2 points each, for an expression score of 4 points.
Found the expression "suck" 2 times, at 1 points each, for an expression score of 2 points.
Found the expression "vibrator" 2 times, at 4 points each, for an expression score of 8 points.
Found the expression "cock" 2 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 6 points.
Found the expression "fvck*" 2 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 10 points.
Found the expression "panties" 2 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 6 points.
Found the expression "tits" 2 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 6 points.
Found the expression "asshole" 1 times, at 3 points each, for an expression score of 3 points.
Found the expression "fuck" 9 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 45 points.
Found the expression "whore" 1 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 5 points.
Found the expression "slutty" 6 times, at 5 points each, for an expression score of 30 points.

Christian Porn

2007-08-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

So I catch a lot of freaks while trying protect people from the offensive content the Internet has to offer and I saw a fellow who had apparently subscribed to a Christian Porn site. I won't mention the site name since I am thinking of starting a site to become their competition, Ha ha. (You really should stop reading if you are religious.)

C'mon, are they fucking serious? "Christian Porn" There is a market for everything out there. So I was trying to talk a good friend of mine into going into business with me on this and here's how I envision the site...

All girls (and guys) on the site MUST be devout (we will guarantee this for our customers)
To prove this devoutness the chicks will have to wear crosses during all scenes, because if they are wearing crosses while they are having sex with a donkey then all is forgiven right? God knows we all make mistakes.
To make the sinners feel better a portion of the proceeds will be domainted to help spread the word of God or something
This is the kicker - After every fuck session they watch or when they exit we will have a priest absolve them

Oh c'mon, this is genius right? Any helpful suggestions or ideas?

Dear Corporate E-mail Users

2007-08-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Corporate E-mail Users...

I'm on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week to ensure that your BUSINESS mail makes it through to you. I do my best to protect you from spam and porn but there are 20,000 spammers out there and only one of me. I drop 95% of everything that tries to make it to you and yet you still bitch and moan if a piece of spam or two makes it through. Yes I know you're an e-mail expert and I appreciate such helpful suggestions from the user community but I CAN'T block the word "johnson" just because you aren't interested in enlarging yours, it happens to be a last name.
And I am so fucking tired of these stupid bitches that get a little piece of porn spam and start fanning themselves as though they are some kind of southern lady. Then I have to apologize that my e-mail system allowed this shit through to lil' miss innocent. Listen Pollyana, this wasn't midget clown porn, barnyard porn, bukaki or dirty sanchez lessons. Don't preach to me about how you expect only business mail to make it through my system when I can see what you have been sending for the last 30 days. (BTW, Is it really necessary to use your sig line when you use company e-mail to set up your lunch time quickie?)

Oh and one last thing, I don't give a fuck if little johnny graduated at the top of his class and I doubt the 5,000 other people you sent your unzipped 15MB graduation pictures to care either. I DO know that the rest of the company will care when you bog down the whole system and cause everyones e-mail to deliver 30 seconds later than it normally would. I will be fielding calls about that for a week, thanks.

Does this apply to me?

2007-07-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

I was presented with this question recently and I realized I needed an outlet so here I am.

I was assisting payroll by sending out a notification for commissioned employees. Payroll insisted on sending it to ALL employees to avoid missing anyone. Here was the basic message, "Commissioned employees will receive their August checks on the 14th. Please do not reply to this message. Contact your local HR representatives with any questions." Since they are told not to reply they just can't help themselves and while I used to watch the mailbox for rejected messages, bad routing etc. I now watch the mailbox for entertainment purposes. I don't know why I continue to do this since the replies baffle me and sometimes frighten me. Many times I am left wondering how some of these people are able to hold down a job, then I think about how many of these mouth-breathers drive themselves to work! It's terrifying. Back to the topic at hand...the replies:

The first reply to this message was...

"Does this mean that we will get our commission checks on the 14th and 30th?"

I was stunned and a bit shaken, but I shrugged it off. Then came the next response...

"I am not a commissioned employee, does this apply to me?"

That one floored me. If I was allowed to reply to these people what exactly would I say in response to such a question? I actually began to question myself. Am I being a snob for silently mocking their questions? Perhaps I was missing something here, perhaps I was just not bright enough to understand what was really going on here. As I am rereading the original thread and response to see what it is I missed, another reply comes in to this non-human mailbox that created especially for this mailing...

"What do you want for lunch? I was thinking Mexican food."

With that I decided that I really hadn't missed a thing.